X-Men:The Last Stand

I ventured to the multiplex on Friday night with The Lady to see X-Men: The Last Stand.

Leading in to the film, I had read a lot about it at the popular site, www.aint-it-cool-news.com, and just your general reviews from my frequent sources like cnn.com and newsday.com. AICN.com was the biggest source of feedback though, and I read a lot about how the new director had pretty much massacred the franchise, the writing was horrendous, the acting was stale, and how the feel of the movie was flat in emotion, yet frantic in composition.

All of the above is dead on. The Lady and I left after 45 minutes.

Those of you who know me, and how much I get into a movie like X-Men, or Batman or Star Wars know that even if a movie isn't that great, I'll find a way to defend it and like it. Take for instance my reactions to Star Wars Episode 2 and 3. I actually liked them a ton after seeing them, and defended them. I do stuff like that. But with X-Men: The Last Stand, I couldn't do it. It was that bad.

Here's a snippet from the film:

Storm is walking down the hall at the X-Mansion, Professor X rolling along with her. With no set-up at all, and nothing to justify this interaction Professor X tells Storm:

'You know, one day I see you replacing me.'

Storm gives the obligatory 'What the fuck? Shut up asshole, you ain't gonna die' reaction, and then says:

'What about Scott?' (Scott = Cyclops, the leader of the X-Men, Professor X's Golden Boy, and a real dick)

Professor X replies, as if he doesn't give a crap about Scott at all, by saying:

'Scott's a changed man. He hasn't been the same since Jean died. You of all people know how fast the weather can change.'

So, we are to believe that Professor X, who throughout the first 2 X-Men films, and his entire existance in the comic books, has shown that he has nothing but love, admiration, and genuine concern for every mutant who lives, including Magneto and his minions who want to kill all of humanity and/or turn them all into mutants, suddenly decides about his long time, son-like friend: 'Fuck Scott, he's a bitch since Jean died. Storm, you're up!'

And it comes out of no-where! From reading about the film beforehand, I know what happens to Professor X and Scott in the film. This scene serves as a foreshadowing tool, but also as a way to completly shit on the character of Professor X that we've gotten to know in the first two films, and if you're a comic book fan, the last 30 years or so of X-Men books.

And they wrap it all up with a lame pun.

Speaking of lame puns; For what we saw of the movie, all Wolverine is good for is a couple sight gags and nothing but one-liners apparantly. Yes, in the first two films, Wolverine was good for a laugh at times, but it was spaced out nicely. This movie, he was a joke (or all jokes, I should say), and it didn't even seem like Hugh Jackman gave a crap either.

On that note, 99% of the cast looked like they were phoning it in. The only exception was Magneto. Ian McKellan was great as Magneto again and his scenes were the only ones where I felt like it was an X-Men movie again. Even Pyro, who hardly spoke in the movie, was more in character than Storm, Wolverine and Professor X combined.

The movie itself was rushed in production, I belive the schedule was cut by more than a month, so I expected there would have to be some drawbacks as a result. But this movie was so rushed and jumbled together that it didn't even seem like they tried for anything more than to get a good opening weekend gross to justify the Wolverine spin-off movie in the works. The preview made it look like this movie was jam pakced with action and raw emotion that would leave us wanting X-Men 4 to be in theaters tomorrow! Turns out most of those action scenes from the preview happen in a meaningless scene from the first 5 minutes of the movie.

Some may argue we didn't give it enough time. Only 45 minutes? C'mon Phil, that's not enough. Well to those of you who would say that, I say, how could you stand the dialogue? The whole premise of the movie is rediculous. Seeing Beast in a top-secret conference with the President and top-level 'Homeland Security' folks was laugh-out-loud funny in the worst way. Poor Kelsey Grammar, looking for his comeback role, playing a character where if they gave him good stuff to work with he could probably steal the show with, and they give him laughable garbage.

Yeesh. I'll stop there. I clearly didn't like the movie.

In a more general sense, I was very much looking forward to this Summer's movie season. Leading in to May, I was looking foward to seeing Mission: Impossible 3, X-Men, Da Vinci Code, The Break -Up, and Superman Returns. Here's how they stack up -

MI3 - Saw it, I liked it. Good action-packed summer blockbuster movie.
Da Vinci Code - Didn't see it after the horrendous reviews
X-Men - See Above
The Break-Up - Friends say it's worth a rental, not a thater trip
Superman Returns - My only hope to salvage the summer movie season

Future films I am excited about -
Spider-Man 3 (me and all 4,000,000,000,000 of you)
Transformers!!! Yes!
Fantastic Four 2 (if they do the Surfer storyline)
Sixty Hot Dogs 2: 61* Hot Dogs

That's all for now, I'm pooped.

Let's go Mets!