Monday, January 05, 2009

Spiderman loves Mary Jane

Last year, my parents decided Florida was boring and too hot, so they picked up and moved back to New York. During my almost month long trip to NY, I spent 5 days up in the Agiesta's new hood, a small town called Stamford, NY. This beauty of a berg is a mere hour and a half away from Albany, in rural...rural, NY.

As it pertains to my parents, the town isn't all THAT bad for them in terms of townsfolk, as I doubt they will do much drinking at the local pub in their retirement years. The winters up there are another story. But this particular tale involves a night out with my Brother Rob, who lives a town over from the folks.

Rob has always preferred the more rural lifestyle, and I had met a few of his friends from upstate once while I attended Syracuse. On the night in question, I visited a place called Jon's Tavern. I need only discuss the first 3 minutes of my time there in this particular post.

I enter with Brother Rob and make the rounds saying hi, being introduced to all the locals as Rob's little brother. I am in fact, almost 30 years old, but it still seems appropriate to call me his little brother. It just so happens Rob is 6'3" and has long red hair. The resemblance, is uncanny. We get past the main room, and head to the billiards area where a woman in her mid-40's approaches. She has what I discovered is a very typical for middle aged women in small town upstate NY look: weathered, with makeup caked on, and a few noticeably gnarled teeth. Once she gets within a foot, I can sense she's been drinking. She smothers Brother Rob for an extra long, extra tight hug and whispers in his ear as he cringes and looks for an out. He finds it.

"Mary Jane, this is my little brother James..."

I am met with a wide...incomplete grin, and she says, "Ohhhhhh, the good loooooking one!"

The hug begins, and it's a doozy. I smell liquor and perfume, and proceed to get more than a few kisses along my neck and ear, complete with some heavy breathing. I break the hold, but she stays close and slurs out, "Spiderman loooooves Mary Jane..."

The brothers laugh nervously. She continues:

"It's the body..." and she...shimmies a little, while rubbing her hands down her body to her hips.

She literally stumbled away after telling us to get to drinking. Did I mention she was the bartender and this was at 7:30PM at a Christmas party?

Mary Jane, I'll never forget you.


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